I live in a place where alcohol is a companion its warmth embraces me from the inside appreciating precious organs that you try to pound out but you won’t kiss my lips "let me see those eyes" i guess sometimes even those can fool you but only because they like to betray me… if you saw the fear and the instability, you would run. and that would be good for me. but instead they make me look brave. they make me look sexy. they help get you off. suddenly, my mouth is warm again. but you don’t kiss my lips.
i remember toni braxton playing on the stereo at dinner time. the cd case open and empty. the lyrics tossed to the side. you didn’t need them. as you cooked and cleaned, you belted out ‘unbreak my heart.’ your melodic and flawless voice sang of pain i could not yet understand. pain that i never knew that you endured. you’ve always been a warrior to me. and that’s why when your melodic and flawless voice spit words of fire and burned the ones you loved, i hated you. i resented you because i thought there was no excuse for you breaking beauty. you used bad words. stupid. that’s the first one i remember. i think i was 6. we were in an apartment adorned with smiling faces in picture perfect frames. cherry wood everything and grandma’s smell crawling up the two flights of stairs. i was born onto and into new york before it was a fad. my bronx blood would race and rush and boil in our little impure haven. we all weren’t as innocent as we thought. we all were imperfect but you showed us love despite those imperfections. as an adolescent, i couldn’t be that. instead, i cursed you. i cried of you. i cried by you. and when i became the bitch, i cried for that too. because i love you. i know i loved you from the moment that you held me. i know that i loved you every time we got to decorate the tree together. i loved you when you helped me with my homework. i loved you when you walked around the house with a belt around your neck. i loved you when you split my food into the part i had to eat, and the part that you would empty out into the trash, after fervently making the sign of the cross. i loved you most when you sobbed uncontrollably, screaming that i hated you in dad’s arms. i love you most now that i understand you. and all of your complexities that you wear with a smile. i will love you on your dying day and everyday after that.
i’m saying it now because i may never be able to fully prove my love. but it is infinite. it is tremendous. there is NO greater love. thank you for allowing this heart to beat.
This is YOUR life. Take charge. Express yourself. And don’t feel bad after you say and do what you want. Because no one else will. Look out for those you love. Be ready for the love. Just live. Be beautiful and know that you are. But always stay humble.
I’m annoyed and in need of a safe space. Somewhere private. Somewhere that’s only mine. Where I can turn any corner free of worry. Where research papers aren’t being written or discussed or imagined. Where hands are being held. Where lips are locking. Where love is tangible. Where hands are being placed upon backs for comfort Instead of scissors cutting through spines paralyzing the believers and proving that the wicked never lose.