Steady As She Goes

Real friends aren’t ashamed of their friends. Not ever. They won’t whisper behind your back, or let anyone talk about how much of a fool you are. They’ll say “I’m the only one that’s allowed to call her that, and best believe I’ll say it to her face!” They won’t treat you different when they’re in front of their boos, their boyfriends, their girlfriends or whatever. They keep it 100 and always have your back! Basically, real friends are hard to find!

Stream of unconsciousness

Why did Dan’s death upset me more than any of the other OTH deaths? Yes, I’m talking about OTH… At 6:19am. Reading period. Anyways… maybe Dan’s death upset me because he was a hero, despite all of the terrible things he had done due to mental instability. Maybe it’s also because I think of my parents. My mom trying to protect us and not knowing how… going about it the wrong way. My dad is so small to me. And one day he will seem so much smaller. At least Jaime will always have clear and significant memories of his grandpa… the hero. Sometimes, I would give anything to remember the smell of the apartment on Davidson. 

Again, yes I’m talking about OTH. lol

i remember toni braxton playing on the stereo at dinner time. the cd case open and empty. the lyrics tossed to the side. you didn’t need them. as you cooked and cleaned, you belted out ‘unbreak my heart.’ your melodic and flawless voice sang of pain i could not yet understand. pain that i never knew that you endured. you’ve always been a warrior to me. and that’s why when your melodic and flawless voice spit words of fire and burned the ones you loved, i hated you. i resented you because i thought there was no excuse for you breaking beauty. you used bad words. stupid. that’s the first one i remember. i think i was 6. we were in an apartment adorned with smiling faces in picture perfect frames. cherry wood everything and grandma’s smell crawling up the two flights of stairs. i was born onto and into new york before it was a fad. my bronx blood would race and rush and boil in our little impure haven. we all weren’t as innocent as we thought. we all were imperfect but you showed us love despite those imperfections. as an adolescent, i couldn’t be that. instead, i cursed you. i cried of you. i cried by you. and when i became the bitch, i cried for that too. because i love you. i know i loved you from the moment that you held me. i know that i loved you every time we got to decorate the tree together. i loved you when you helped me with my homework. i loved you when you walked around the house with a belt around your neck. i loved you when you split my food into the part i had to eat, and the part that you would empty out into the trash, after fervently making the sign of the cross. i loved you most when you sobbed uncontrollably, screaming that i hated you in dad’s arms. i love you most now that i understand you. and all of your complexities that you wear with a smile. i will love you on your dying day and everyday after that. 

i’m saying it now because i may never be able to fully prove my love. but it is infinite. it is tremendous. there is NO greater love. thank you for allowing this heart to beat. 

The things I did for you.
The tears I shed for you.
The bags I gained for you.
The sleep I lost for you.

I can never get it back.

We can never get it back.
Sometimes, it’s all or nothing.
In love, you give your all,
or you give nothing.

We can’t just be. 

I miss your warmth.
I miss your scent.
I miss your skin.
I miss your body. 

This is YOUR life. 
Take charge.
Express yourself.
And don’t feel bad
after you say
and do
what you want.
Because no one else will.
Look out for those you love.
Be ready for the love.
Just live.
Be beautiful
and know that you are.
But always stay humble.